By Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D.
What couples fight about most—and how to handle them without losing your cool.
Having seen many couples for counseling over the years, I have seen firsthand that no relationship is perfect. Arguments happen, but what absolute deal-breakers cause couples to clash repeatedly? While every couple has its triggers, three key issues remain in many relationships: money, household chores, and differing life goals. Let’s break them down and explore how to fight fair—and fix it.
1. Money Mayhem: When Dollars Cause Drama
It’s no secret that money troubles can strain relationships. Research shows financial stress is one of the top reasons couples argue. One person may feel like they’re being financially responsible, while the other may spend impulsively, leading to significant tension.
Take Sarah and Ethan. Sarah is all about saving, and Ethan thinks enjoying life now is the way to go. She felt like he wasn’t taking their future seriously, and he felt suffocated by her frugality. Their disagreements spiraled, and each felt like the other didn’t understand their perspective.
How should you handle it? Open, honest communication is key. Could you discuss your money values early and often and consider creating a budget that works for both partners? Don’t avoid the topic—manage it together.
2. Chore Wars: The Battle for the Broom
One of the quietest relationship killers? Household chores. It’s not just about dishes and laundry—it’s about respect, fairness, and feeling valued. When one person feels like they’re carrying the load, resentment builds. Studies show that unequal domestic labor is one of the biggest causes of conflict in modern relationships.
Carla and Jack’s situation is a perfect example. Carla handled most of the housework while Jack, who worked long hours, assumed he didn’t need to help. But Carla felt overwhelmed and unappreciated. What started as a minor frustration turned into a huge fight every week.
The solution? Don’t let the chores pile up—literally or figuratively. Have a conversation about expectations and responsibilities. Share the load, and don’t forget to appreciate each other’s efforts.
3. Diverging Dreams: When Your Goals Don’t Align
Over time, couples often discover that they want different things in life. These differences can lead to serious conflict in career aspirations, family plans, or lifestyle choices. The relationship can feel at a crossroads if you’re not on the same page about your future.
Take Mike and Clara. Clara wanted a quiet life in the countryside to raise kids, while Mike set his sights on the city and advancing his career. The more they ignored the elephant in the room, the more their arguments escalated.
How to handle it? This one requires deep conversations about what both of you want in the future. Compromise doesn’t always mean meeting in the middle, but it does mean respecting each other’s dreams. Sometimes, therapy can help bridge the gap and guide the conversation.
Final Thoughts: Fight Smart, Not Hard
While these conflicts are shared, how you handle them makes all the difference. Instead of letting tension fester, approach the issue with empathy, honesty, and respect. Relationships aren’t about avoiding conflict—they’re about learning to work through it together.
References
Carr, A. (2025). Couple therapy and systemic interventions for adult‐focused problems: The evidence base, Journal of Family Therapy, 10.1111/1467-6427.12481, 47, 1,
Meyer, D., & Sledge, R. (2021). The Relationship Between Conflict Topics and Romantic Relationship Dynamics. Journal of Family Issues, 43(2), 306-323. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X21993856 (Original work published 2022)
Peetz, J., Meloff, Z., & Royle, C. (2023). When couples fight about money, what do they fight about? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(11), 3723-3751. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075231187897 (Original work published 2023)
Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D.,is a psychologist and the author of seven books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.
Originally published at Psychology Today
