By Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D.
Exploring the reasons family estrangement is growing and ways to move forward.
Growing up, many of us may have learned the importance of sticking up for family members or bringing pride to the family name. Regardless of what you might actually think about a family member, many of us were taught to keep those opinions to ourselves, especially outside the home. If you bucked the system, you might find yourself being disciplined or ostracized within the family. Today, individuals no longer feel compelled to maintain allegiance to their families of origin or extended family when they feel that their best interests are not served by these relationships. Whether it’s considered family estrangement or alienation, it is a double-edged sword. One side of the sword acts as a force of liberation, and the other side can do lethal emotional damage.
Estrangement vs. Alienation
When someone chooses to cut off contact with others, they may engage in estrangement or active alienation. While these two words are often used interchangeably, they have different meanings and connotations. If a family member has estranged themselves from you, that generally means that they no longer communicate or interact with you. Alienation is more about an active effort to keep someone out of another’s life. For instance, grandparent alienation describes what happens when a person’s adult child ensures that their own child is kept away from the grandparents and may involve brainwashing the child against the grandparent. Estrangement is a backing off from a relationship, while alienation is actively manipulating people or circumstances to prevent interaction and communication.
Why is Estrangement Becoming the New Normal?
Times have changed, and the stigma that once kept people from cutting off contact with family members has diminished across society and even disappeared in many cases. This can be liberating for those individuals who suffered any form of abuse in their homes growing up; however, there are growing numbers of people who did not suffer any identifiable abuse but choose to break all ties with one or more family members for other reasons.
Around five years ago, a poll conducted by a Cornell University sociologist Karl Pillemer indicated that about a quarter of adults were estranged from a close family member. A year ago, a Harris poll revealed that about half of adults surveyed admitted that they were estranged from a close family member or former friend. Not only does the target of estrangement experience emotional pain, but collateral damage can also affect others in the periphery, too. Grandparent alienation is an example of a cut-off in which multiple generations can suffer. Cousins, aunts and uncles, great grandparents, and so on can all experience some level of loss as the family dynamics shift to accommodate the absence of some of its members.
In trying to understand the reasons behind family estrangement, some of the possible reasons stretch from the personal to the political to the historical and the geographical, and places in between. Here’s a partial list of potential causes:
- Cultural Values are Shifting. The heavy focus on individualism in the US culture is an influence that may place a higher value on personal autonomy and achievement over collective family loyalty. Not only does family loyalty take a backseat to individualism, but acceptance for creating a “chosen family” to take the place of a family of origin is strong.
- Political and Social Value Divisions. Throughout history, there have always been political divides and opposing sides when it comes to significant changes in the landscape of social norms and customs. However, in the last few years, the divides have grown deeper, wider, and clearly more personal. Estrangement can be spurred when a closely held belief conflicts with a family member’s equally close-held beliefs. When beliefs are transformed into actions, tolerance can be too far a stretch.
- Cancel Culture and Emotional Boundaries. The term “cancel culture” really took hold in the last decade, but the behavior of “cancelling” others has been around since history began. Similarly, the term “toxic relationships” is relatively young, but toxic behavior towards others is also as old as humankind. These constructs both reinforce the right of people to “cancel” relationships that they find to be non-supportive or unhealthy. Unfortunately, once people are “cancelled,” it becomes difficult to find a way to make sense of what fractured the relationship or what behaviors need to be addressed.
Do You Walk Away or Work Through the Issues?
It’s important to recognize that your experience is more common than you likely thought, but that does not decrease the pain or heartache you feel if you are the target of estrangement or alienation. For those who have acted on the need to cut off a relationship, you may also experience sadness and even grief over the lost relationship. As you try to make sense of things from either side of the divide, consider the following:
- Reconciliation is not always an achievable goal, but a greater understanding of the situation and the other person’s perspective should be sought.
- Closure is never a “given” when a relationship ends, so recognize this may be something you have to work out on your own.
- Building stronger relationships or relationships that are more satisfying can be more easily accomplished if you engage in self-reflection and self-appraisal of your relationship needs and behaviors.
- Focus on strengthening and deepening the relationships you do have with family, friends, and chosen family.
- Remain open to future communications, if they arise, but do not try to force another’s hand.
- Just as people grow and develop over time, relationships can shift as people move through developmental stages.
- If tentative reach-outs occur, and you want to work through the estrangement, ask yourself, “Do you want to be right or do you want to re-establish connection?” Don’t be your own worst enemy if you’re close to rebuilding a relationship you have missed.
Originally published at Psychology Today
